Ultimately, a fear of coming out is just a fear that the love people have for you is conditional. If you knew without a doubt that you would be loved and supported, regardless of your identity, then coming out wouldn’t be so daunting.
When you misgender me it’s not just the words that hurt. I get misgendered all the time, I can deal with that. The reason it hurts so much is because of what it represents. To me it’s a demonstration that you do not care enough about me to make a small change in the way you refer to me, at the expense of my happiness. That’s not to say I expect perfection: it’s always okay to get it wrong and make mistakes. People get it wrong all the time but it’s okay because I know they are genuinely trying their best. I can’t say the same for you.
It doesn’t even matter if you don’t agree with my decisions, it doesn’t matter if you think it’s wrong: all that matters is that you care about me. All that matters is that you love me.
A parent has to ensure that the unconditionality of their love is unequivocal, that there is not a doubt in their child’s head that they will ever be anything but loved. I’ve never felt that. My hesitancy towards sharing things with you comes from a fear of fracturing the bond of conditionality - that one wrong turn will result in any love you have being revoked. The onus is not on a child to develop a relationship with their parents - the onus is on the parent to make sure the child knows they will always be loved. The onus is not on me to fix our relationship.
At this point I don’t even think you care about me. I think you see me as an extension of yourself and any care you give is merely self preservation.
You can continue as before and make no changes in the way you treat me - that’s an inalienable right you possess. But know that, if you do, it will be at the loss of a child. We will continue to drift apart, our relationship will continue to fracture, until there is nothing left. I have so much of my life left to live and I don’t see any merit in spending it with people who don’t make me feel loved.
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